Title: Dr. Sellout or: How I Learned to Stop Writing About the War and Love the Price of Dairy

Author: Charlotte Simmonds

In: Sport 41: 2013

Publication details: Fergus Barrowman, 2014, Wellington

Part of: Sport

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III      None Here

Len always joked that when the next war came we’d all have to live in the attic and only Tyler (whose real name was Becks) would be allowed to go down. She’d fling open the door in her bathrobe, letting it slip a little and say, ‘Nope, no gays, Jews or Muslims here!’

But I’d say, ‘No, that would never work. They’d gang-rape her, then shoot her. Then they’d search the attic.’

So then we decided that I’d go down and Tyler could stay in the attic and I’d fling open the door, dressed in a corporate outfit, about to go to work as a medical receptionist and I’d say, ‘Nope, no gays, Jews, prozzies or Muslims here!’

Or Tyler could go down dressed as her normal Becks and say the same thing. Or something, and one of those things eventually would definitely work and we’d all survive the war. But I found it really hard to imagine, in today’s political climate, what kind of war that would be, where someone was trying to shoot, rape or incinerate all those people groups in this particular country.

What kind of ideology would such an army have to have? Who page 111 would be trying to shoot us? The rationalists? The atheists? The humanists who are currently trying to find a cure for death? What for? To eliminate people with brains small enough to believe in God from the enlightened planet so that only people with large brains can live forever? I know atheists can be really angry sometimes but they’re only about 2% of the entire world, aren’t they? How did they get in charge? Who would be trying to kill gays and Muslims and possibly-Jews and prostitutes?