Wife (apologetically): “I took the recipe for this cake out of the cookery book.”

Husband (tactfully): “You did quite right, darling. It never should have been put in.”

* * *

Censored.

“I'm a self-made man.”

“You're lucky. I'm the revised work of a wife and three daughters.”

After the Party: “And what about breakfast, sir?” The Delinquent: “Yes, of course. Bring me a piece of dry toast—say, on Wednesday week.”

Slight Transposition.

The visitor paid his bill at the fashionable hotel, and as he went out, he noticed a sign near the door, “Have you left anything?”

So he went back and spoke to the manager.

“That sign's wrong,” he said. “It should read, ‘Have you anything left?'”

* * *

Mental Arithmetic.

Mother (trying to give a lesson): “Now dear, what would happen if you broke one of the ten commandments?”

Child: “Then there'd be nine!”

A Real Sport.

Amiable victim (bowled over by accident): “I'm perfectly all right, thank you. I'm not a bit hurt.”

Motorist: “I say you're behaving jolly well about it. It is a real pleasure to knock down a thorough sportsman like you.”

* * *

Concern Over Trifles.

“Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.”

“Well, after all, mister, how much soup can a fly drink?”

* * *

Making It Clear.

A Cockney rang up the station to inquire the fare to Ealing, but the man at the other end of the line couldn't catch the name of the station. In desperation he asked the inquirer to spell it.

The reply came as follows: “E for ‘Erbert', A wot the ‘orses heat, L where yer goes when yer dies, I wot yer sees wiv, N wot lays a heg, G (long pause) gee whizz!”

* * *

Working Overtime.

First Nurse: “It's hopeless!”

Second Nurse: “What is?”

First Nurse: “That glass-blower patient. Every time I try to take his temperature he blows a bubble in the thermometer.”

* * *

Before the Party.

Said Mrs. Browne to her rather flashy new maid: “Mabel, when you wait upon my guests at table to-night, please don't wear any jewellery.”

“I have nothing valuable, mum,” replied the girl, “but thank you all the same.”

* * *

Gratitude.

“Ye've worked hard and willingly for me, Pat,” said the farmer to his oldest employee, “and I'm going to give ye that fat pig.”

“May heaven bless ye, sorr,” said Pat. “It's just loike ye!”

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