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The Southern That Never Was

Chris Visser

Or,

How To Cover The Same Bit Of Track Four Times In One Evening.

Once upon a time there were five happy trampers - Dave "Rambo" Ball, Mike Tin sure" Judd, Jenny "I should know, I'm a doctor" Visser, Mike "Sugar Plum Fairy" Fee and Christine "My heels are sore" Visser; they all decided to do a Southern one dubious looking weekend in late August.

They were conveyed to Otaki Forks in the Stumpi Pleasure Vehicle, and were dropped off at the carpark, where Sugar Plum Fairy Fee danced on a piece of foam rubber. After complex surgery had been performend on Rambo's Torch, the five happy trampers bid farewell to Stumpi and his pleasure mobile, and attempted to trek to Field's Hut. They tirelessly toiled up the torturous and treacherous ridge, only to discover the track was on the next one. Undeterred, they took off up the track, fending off hoards of marauding rabid sheep. After an hour of energetic bounding up the hill with dim torches they stopped to admire the mud and slurp water out of a puddle. Doc., Sugar Plum Fairy, and Heels resumed the track to Field's assuming tha Rambo and 'for sure' Judd would follow. Five minutes later, Doc. and co stopped to wait for Rambo and Judd. Fifteen minutees later, Doc. and Heels delegated the Sugar Plum Fairy to go back and look for the others. He searched and searched, yelling and baaaa-ing - but to no avail. Rambo and 'for sure'Judd had disappeared. Doc and co assumed that Rambo and Judd had somehow overtaken them, and were ahead. They resumed the track to Fields without any further ado. When they arrived, they found the hut, although full of schoolboys, did not contain Rambo or Judd. Hoping that they would turn up, Doc, Sugar Plum Fairy and Heels climbed into pit. An hour later, at about midnight, Rambo and Judd arrived with a strange tale to tell. They had somehow managed to loop 180 degrees on the track, and had started to walk back down the track to the carpark. Their salvation came in the form of another party coming up from the carpark. "Oh," said 'for sure' Judd, "you must be coming from Fields, for sure!" "No," replied the other party, "we've just come up from the carpark; we're on our way to Fields!" Judd and Rambo realised with horror, that they were going in the wrong direction. They turned and stumbled back up the hill to the hut, by the light of one climbing torch. Upon their arrival, they were greeted with much relief, mirth and merriment, from not only their own party, but the rest of the hut as well.

The next morn, five happy trampers left Fields for Alpha. They slogged up to Kime to reassess their situation. Chris "My heels hurt" Visser examined her bits and discovered that the skin that she thought had grown back after having been removed on a revious trip, was not holding up very well, and every step she took was excrutiating agony.

"Fer Sure" Judd had a fit of the shakes due to cold , so Doc Visser suggested staying at Kime considering the dubious looking weather (not to mention the school boys ahead of us). A frozen Judd involuntarily nodded his consent and his museli all over the hut. The rest of the day was spent perfecting bum/front sliding techniques on the 200ft slope opposite the hut. 'Fer Sure' Judd discovered a lump of tussock in the middle of the slope whilst at great speed and had a nasty experience with his tender bits. Needless to say, the females in the group felt for him.

The next morning dawned bright and clear and the frolicsome five were rapt with the view of the South Island, Wellington, the Hutt Valley, Mt Ruapehu and the East Coast. In the blazing sunshine they defiled as much virgin snow as possible on the way back to Fields.

From there they bounded down into the carpark where Judd and Rambo's rescue party was waiting. 'Sugar Plum Fairy' Fee hitched to the nearest phone to inform their transport that they were not at Kaitoke but still at Otaki.

The lesson in this story is; When tramping in the dark, be sure to note if the hut is at a higher or lower altitude than your starting point - so you know whether you should be going up or down ....

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